Surprise!

So, my mom likes women. I found this out when I was in the eighth grade. I came home from school one day excited about our Relay for Life fundraiser that would take place overnight at the high school track. My mom had agreed to chaperone our team for the night, which was weird because she had major anxiety issues around other human beings. I was angry when I found her sick in bed. Of course! I knew she’d let me down. Come to find out, she’d actually overdosed. Tried to check out early. And in case I missed this nugget of information, my father showed up that evening at Relay for Life to inform me that my mom had attempted suicide. Then he left me there. To soak that in. To marinate on that. Great parenting.

Oh yes- my mom being a lesbian. I’m getting to that.

So fast forward a day or so later- my dad comes to me in tears. “Your mom cheated on me… with… another woman!” he blubbers. Surprise! This is news to me. Not so much the cheating part as the lesbian part. How could she have kept that secret from me? I felt a bit hurt. Apparently, her sexual orientation had something to do with why she tried to bite the big one. So my father told her not to come back and changed all the locks, leaving me feeling very sad and confused, and my mom homeless and mentally unstable. Smart move, Dad!

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My Stripper Name

I have a horrible stripper name. Remember that game we used to play as innocent young children? The stripper name game. To create your stripper name, you use this formula: street you grew up on +  your first dog’s name. That would make me Andy Bigby. Meh.  I’m not in love with it. My friend’s stripper name was Spike Washington…  the formula may be flawed.

When I was a kid, my horrible parents hired us a babysitter who wanted to be an exotic dancer when she grew up. She shared this dream with me one day while we watched Xena: Warrior Princess on tv. The tv went off, and radio went on. She would dance like a stripper, and encourage me to follow along as she critiqued my moves. Those lessons stayed with me, and helped form the weirdo that I am today.

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